I got my new IKEA
catalogue in the mail last night. While I’ve never actually bought anything
from them, I do like looking at catalogues, and IKEA’s glossy is no exception.
It’s got lots of cool stuff if your name is Bjorn or Agnetha and you live in
a cute little flat in Stockholm, however, what really caught my attention was
the couple of pages in the front of the catalogue trying to explain the IKEA
experience.

Like why the heck can’t you leave the store the same way you went in? And why
they give odd little names to furniture in a somehow disturbing attempt to personify
couches and tables. If you’ve ever seen the old movie, The
Twonky, you may share my disquiet at getting too personal with household
furniture.

Anyway, it seems that some people think IKEA go out of their way to make things
difficult for shoppers, so the catalogue devotes a couple of pages to provide
an explanation. Although it’s written in English, I think it needs further translation,
so here goes…

• Why are we so obsessed with keeping things flat? IKEA says:
  "Because we don’t transport air, our storage and transportation costs
  are much lower." Translation: Some moron at Stockholm head office
  had an idea we could make a giant raft out of them and float it to Australia.
• Why do we abuse our products? IKEA says: "We figure
  that if the products can take all the abuse we put them through, they can
  certainly stand some of yours." Translation: We tried to put the
  friggin’ things together too, you know!
• Why do we make you assemble furniture yourself? IKEA says:
  "Although it can be difficult sometimes, it means you can have the furniture
  in your home straight away." Translation: You get to have an abstract
  piece of art six hours after you started to assemble a coffee table.
• Why do our designers think this makes a good table? IKEA
  says: "To make good quality furniture at low prices, our designers need
  to think differently." Translation: They’re on drugs.
• Why do I need a pencil and paper to shop at Ikea? IKEA
  says: "As you go around, make a note of anything you like." Translation:
  Rip up the paper into little scraps to leave a trail. The pencil may come
  in handy later.
• Why is IKEA so busy? IKEA says: "Lots of people visit
  our stores to take advantage of our low prices." Translation: Only
  10% of people who enter our shop find their way out again. All the people
  aren’t shopping; they’re begging for food. If they attack, use your pencil
  to stab them.
• Why should I transport my own furniture? IKEA says: "Self-transportation
  is easy and saves you money." Translation: Our staff get endless
  enjoyment from watching you idiots trying to stuff a dining table and complete
  bedroom suite into the back of a tiny hatchback.
• Why is it sometimes hard to find help at IKEA? The catalogue
  reckons: "Generally, shopping can be more enjoyable if you’re not hassled
  by salespeople." Translation: See that bum begging in aisle 11? Our
  salespeople get lost in the store too. Don’t forget to use your pencil.

The last page in the catalogue is a big advert for IKEA’s Swedish Meatballs.
If you didn’t know, meatballs are the national dish of Sweden. ‘Nuff said. Anyway,
the IKEA ones are supposed to be excellent and no doubt many Springwoodians
drop in for their meatball fix when they’re out and about. Of course, if you
have a hankering for meatballs, you don’t have to go to Springwood, you can
try making your own using an authentic Swedish
Meatballs recipe – complete with very sensible Swedish advice about not
putting all your meatballs in the frying pan at once!

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